SZPBTL

my thoughts thoughts thoughts

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:19:00 -0800

need to go away now now now. kinda made it a weekly plan to drink every Friday. and wat not all the other nights. it’s the only good distraction i get around here. everything else doesn’t seem to work.

drink my life away

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 12:19:00 -0800

the buzz makes everything better.

cure to a hangover-a banana shake. thanks Trung

Audio

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:52:00 -0800

"it's okay"

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:55:00 -0800

seems like some bullshit to me. but that’s wat ima keep telling myself.

let go

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 21:38:00 -0800

let go, let go, let go

happy new years!

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 23:05:00 -0800

that letter made a difference and so did today. i guess it’s cause i just realized something. i don’t know how to explain it exactly. but if i can ever put it into words, i will. i don’t know. it was kinda like.. old times.

thank you for giving me atleast this. i can’t hold on forever like how i do with the two in my past. i like you alot. for every reason, i really do. but i’m gonna let you go. because it’s the best for both of us. having you know, helps. so maybe this was the best thing i could’ve ever done for myself.

buzzin' night

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 23:00:00 -0800

december 30th.

9 shots got me gone. 11 shots got kelly gone. and 8 shots got chelsea gone. it was kelly’s first time drinking and she didn’t feel it until her 10th. after we finished the bottle, the three of us just talked. we all have our problems and it was a take turn kinda thing so my ears were all open. i can kinda recall the whole night, just not in detail. i reread the letter. over and over until chelsea told me to stop. i haven’t cried in front of anyone in a long time. not like that atleast. it helped. cause i love both of them. i guess cause i feel like i’ve been holding everything in to myself, even though they both know wat i’m going through. i finally let it out.

3am, and we all decided to go to sleep. i woke up at 6am and just started thinking. i just teared up quietly. then chelsea woke up to go to the restroom. so i sat up and laid down somewhere else. it went on for an hour and i finally just stopped. then i knocked out until noon.

i don’t mean to put you on blast, but you’re great.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:54:00 -0800

i don’t mean to put you on blast, but you’re great.

realization

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:38:00 -0800

throughout this whole friendship, this journey, i’ve learned alot. i’ve never been so hurt in my life. but you didn’t do this to me. i only did it to myself. i allowed myself to fall for you and with that, i just hit the ground.

i don’t regret falling. maybe just the fact that you know. because things have changed. and i don’t know if we’re gonna make it back. last night, i realized that one thing came from this. now i know wat to look for in a relationship. now i know wat really gets me driven to love. it’s not the bad type. i’ve always thought it was. i’ve always been interested in the ones that risk something and do stupid things; the ones that don’t give a fuck, the ones that don’t care. but now i know.

i want someone who’s been through a lot, or enough, to understand things. i want someone that’s fun and happy. i want someone who’s not too out there, but also not too quiet. i want someone who will do nothing with me and still have fun. i want someone who has stories to tell me, but also there for me to tell my stories to. i want someone sincere. i want someone who cares, not someone who acts like it. i want someone nice. an NG, cause that’s wat made you first in my heart.

i know you’re not ready to talk to me right now. but when you are, i’ll be here.

recall the moments

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:24:00 -0800

i really don’t know where to begin. i’ll just start somewhere and make it quick before all my thoughts run out. jot down wat’s in my head. something i’ve been wanting to do but never got around to it. so here it goes.

i’ll be honest about this. because to my knowledge, no one i know is reading. i’m just gonna say how i feel. cause i’ve been holding it to myself for a long time. i retrace back and wonder where, at which point exactly, this all happened. i do it all the time. it’s not healthy. but i’ve been through this longer. so i know how i feel. i just need to let go of my feelings for you. it’s eating me inside.

wat brought me up. wat got me was the way you flirted. you were good with words. you’re pretty smooth. but your objective wasn’t like that. your reason was to put a smile on people’s faces. i knew that. that was wat opened the door for me. it started out fun. and from that two month time span, we talked as friends. day and night. my phone was buzzing all the time. sometimes, we’d have those short random conversations. and other times, it’d be those late night long ones. it got me to start realizing that there is more to you than wat everyone sees or wat was based on with the past. there is a good person behind those walls.

during that time, our past wasn’t rough through my eyes. but you thought differently. it’s not your fault. it’s not at all. it’s mine.

wat got my heart. every pain was hidden because you didn’t wanna break a sweat. every hurt was covered because you were trying to be tough. you tried to understand everyone equally and see the situation from both sides. it might sound like a weird reason. but being your friend and at your side, i’ve learned alot. and my perspective has changed a lot. i watched P.S. I Love You last night with my PTL. but crazy to say, i was thinking about our situation the whole nine yards. the way i feel. the way you’re reacting. and from the movie, ”how much you move me, how you’ve changed me.” i just think that this change really just opened up my eyes. you try. you care. you’ve got a good heart. and that’s wat i fell for. it’s hard to find that now a days. you give so much and you deserve alot more. being at your side, seeing your actions, and knowing you, that’s wat i wanted to do. give you more. but my selfishness and stupid thoughts and feeelings led to where we’re at now. with this distance between us.

wat drove me away. i’d have to say it was pretty stupid. how i couldn’t handle that you liked someone else. how i had to listen to a heartbreak similar to mine. but from you. it happened to me before, from someone else. and it looked like it was happening again. so i wanted to run away and forget everything. stupid.

looking back to that, i was a close friend. i should’ve handled it better. because that’s wat friends do. listen to each other’s stories and feelings. comfort each other when we’re both at our lowest points. i didn’t do such a good job at it. not at all. i wanted to run away and forget. but how can i, when it’s all i remember? halfway out, i wanted to stay. because i didn’t wanna leave you hanging. at the same time, i wanted to make a change. by trying to get you to understand why i even ran away in the first place, by letting you know. because everything i did from that point and before, i never gave you an explanation as to why.

“people come and go.” you say that alot. i don’t wanna leave you at all and it was stupid that i did at the beginning. cause somewhere inside of me, i think i am an add-on to the thought that people do come and go. that’s far from wat i wanna do. i just made everything complicated. especially for you. and i’m sorry.

it’s crazy. cause i’ve never felt this way before. i know it’s no excuse but that’s my reason for those once-in-a-while awkward moments. sometimes i lose my thoughts. sometimes i don’t know wat to say. sometimes i just wanna do wat you want me to do. so i wait. so i get all nervous. so i lose my senses. so the ground starts to spin under my feet. it’s ridiculous. is it that, overrated L-O-V-E? it’s for who you are and wat’s inside that heart of yours. so do i love you? i don’t know. all i know is that i’ve never felt this way before. my cousin and my best friend would probably say that they’ve never seen me like this. i haven’t seen me like this either. it’s all brand new to me. i don’t know how to handle it. i don’t know wat to do. i don’t know wat you want me to do. i don’t know wat i should do.

it makes me sad. i’m miserable to the point where i don’t care about anything else. the things that used to matter don’t matter anymore. but i have to act happy in order to try and be happy. i hate pretending. but i don’t wanna bring down the three i got to my left and right. they’ve been there for me good enough. i don’t want them to worry about me anymore. so i have to put up this mask. something that i’ve always disliked doing. everyone’s moving on with their lives and i’m stuck on you. when i go home, it’s the same thing every night. i cry. so many tears. i think about it over and over again until i get tired. then i knock out. it’s stupid.

sometimes i start to think of this as karma. because i was a bad person before. because i didn’t care about anyone else before. so maybe i’m getting punished. in a different way. so if it’s a punishment, i’ll take it. i won’t complain about it because i’ll get wat i deserve. i only brought it upon myself.

i miss you so much.

every day since Halloween, i think back and wonder if i made a mistake at all. i thought it would’ve been a good thing for myself. to let you know how i feel. so that you can help me look the other way and ease down my feelings. so that i can take how i feel and transform it into a great friendship. i think that was wat i wanted to do. your friend said that you’re the only one that can help me. and i took that judgment because she knew you best. but it all turned out differently. i should’ve just sucked it up. pain was nothing before, but now it’s everything. i’ve done a lot of things that i wish i never did. so i try to avoid making the same mistakes again the next time by thinking things through. so i thought it about this. for a month. i thought i was doing the right thing for myself. a month. apparently, i should’ve thought longer and harder. cause this was the biggest fail.